When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
