So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
