I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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