I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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