Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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