I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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