i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
