oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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