Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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