I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
