Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
