my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
