I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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