Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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