i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
