theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
