I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
