You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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