I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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