I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
