friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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