Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
