i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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