How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
