i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
