He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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