Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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