His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I have aggressive nipples.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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