God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
