I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
