I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
