Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
