I accidentally had phone sex last night
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
