you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize