What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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