im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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