there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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