He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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