I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.