I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
