my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.