I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat