I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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