Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect