I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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