cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
