im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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