I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
