I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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