You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
