Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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