he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
