you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
