I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
