i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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