my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
