the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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