my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
