I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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